Relationships are hard enough; throw in deception and half-truths, and now we’re talking impossible! Narcissists are notorious for taking the truth and flipping the table faster than a Taylor Swift song. The truth often finds itself buried in a bunch of bull, and you don’t realize it at the time, but you’re being buried along with it.
The constant amount of energy I exerted trying to defend myself during 23 years of marriage felt as exhausting as using a teaspoon to dig myself out of a six foot grave. I spent too many years of my life emotionally weary by engaging into fierce combat holding only a teaspoon and the uneasy thought, “wait…that’s not right,”
My experience while married to a narcissistic abuser had me holding that teaspoon like a weapon with the hope it would keep me from being buried alive in the darkness of confusion. I now know how ineffective that teaspoon was when confronting a massive dump truck full of deception, deflection, and dismissive behavior. “Wait, that’s not right” had no power as evil was unloaded on top of my existence. I was told things like, “I didn’t say that” (deception) when I knew he had, or “you think you’re so perfect,” (deflection) which would wound my spirit or “that was not a big deal” when two glass syrup bottles were slammed so hard on the kitchen linoleum that aunt Jamima left two permanent indentions that cut through the floor, (now that behavior was both dismissive with an added ingredient of intimidation).
Please keep in mind as you read this blog, I choose to pull back the curtains of my past not to gain sympathy or attention. I share these experiences because I was naive to the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. No one told me about narcissism and the destructive patterns of behavior that would slowly erode my self-worth. There’s no one to blame for my lack of awareness because there wasn’t anyone in my circle growing up who exhibited strong narcissistic behaviors. Then, how in the world did I end up in a marriage with an overt narcissist? Well, that my friend is a blog for another time.
So, you’re probably thinking, “get to the point, Jenn.” Okay! The point is to trust yourself. If someone is gaslighting you, you’re going to either say out loud or in the deep part of your being, “wait…that’s not right.”
Now remember, you’re looking for patterns of behavior not for the occasional mistake. None of us are perfect people, and we may forget something said or actions that were taken. But, if you feel yourself beginning to question reality, don’t grab for the teaspoon to prepare to start digging your way out of a toxic relationship. Rather, grab your running shoes and get out of the way of the dump truck full of bull.
Don’t waste your energy trying to defend what you know to be true. A narcissist has no use for your clarity. But rather, what they have use for is keeping you defensive, keeping you unstable and keeping you questioning yourself, “wait, that’s not right.”
~Jenn
I am a certified Mental and Emotional Life Coach who specifically works with women who struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, and mild depression. If you find yourself stuck in life or can’t seem to catch your breath because of life, then give me a call for a free consultation at 918.214.8109 or send me an email at:
ahutchbetterlife@aol.com