The morning of leaving my life, (well…life as I knew it for over 20 years), certainly is buried deep within the filing cabinet of my mind filed under the word “freedom.” I woke up early that day because I wanted to walk my dog (this had been our routine for years), and I had some apologizing to do in private. This walk would be our last walk together because my sweet golden doodle had no idea, I would be leaving in just a few hours-and I would not return. My heart broke as I watched his tail wag just like usual. I remember thinking “I am failing you, and you don’t even know it.” I was rescuing my girls and myself, but there was no rescue plan in place for my most loyal companion.”
When I returned home after our walk, the mission became “just get to the airport.” The tension in that house had been palpable for weeks, and on this final morning, it felt as though the oxygen had been sucked out of the entire house, and I had to remind myself to breathe.
I had become an expert at walking on eggshells, but that day was different. I could see the rage in his eyes, (his whole continence would change when he was angry), but the intensity of his anger on that morning was dialed up to a red-level five alert.
He yelled my name from the upper part of the house, and I distinctly remember jumping when putting on my mascara, (I still jump when my name is yelled; pretty sure that’s remanence of PTSD). Walking up the stairs to figure out what “I had done wrong,” I reminded myself to go along with whatever he said: Just get to the airport!
Where am I going with this? I had determined months before that June morning ever saw sunlight, we were not going to live in toxicity any longer. I fought leaving for years because I didn’t believe in divorce. But, when the marriage counselor asked me to describe my marriage in one word, I still remember how quickly the word “PRISON” came out of my mouth. That one word contained all the emotional and verbal abuse I had endured for 23 years. Enough was enough: Just get to the airport!
Leaving was one of the most frightening decisions I had ever made. Why? Because even though it was an abusive marriage, it had been my existence since I was 19 years old. Something about the fear of the unknown can feel like walking out into the great abyss. But things had become so bad that the decision to grab my girls and step out into the great unknown was now a necessity. It was either face the unknown or drown along with my children in a sea of evil.
We did make it to the airport. I can recall the mighty exhale of relief as our bags and bodies were being scanned at airport security. I was finally walking out of prison, and into the great abyss that held my freedom.
I ask you, my friend: Do you just need to get to the airport?!!
Quick “happy” sidenote: my golden doodle was flown to Oklahoma two years after we departed Europe on that June morning. I never knew the real reason why the decision was made to fly him across the great Atlantic, but truthfully, I didn’t care. That evening when he arrived home, his golden doodle joy was abundant and exuberant. It was clear with his tail wagging and his constant jumping into my lap, he had forgiven me for leaving him. I can’t help but to wonder if he had experienced his own “just make it to the airport” moment, and he too could finally breathe.
-Jenn
Hi, I’m Jenn Hutcherson. I work with women who struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, mild depression, and emotional eating. I received my ACC certification in 2021 from Symbiosis Coaching Institute accredited through The International Coaching Federation. I am certified as a Mental and Emotional Resilience Coach through Mental Resilience Academy, and I’m currently working toward a 2nd Master of Science degree in Counseling at OSU-Tulsa. I attended Oklahoma Wesleyan University and received a Master of Science degree in Strategic Leadership. My certifications allow me to work with clients who are looking for their path towards self-discovery, mental and emotional health, and those who want to establish resiliency in their life and relationships.
If I can walk with you, it would be my honor. You can call for a free consultation: 918.214.8109 or send an email to schedule a time for us to talk. My email is: ahutchbetterlife@aol.com