(Written for women who have experienced the need for deliverance out of toxicity and abusive relationships).
“I AM NOT THE ONE WITH ANGER ISSUES!!! YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY THE ONE WITH AN ANGER PROBLEM!!!”
I share the PG rated version of these words that were screamed at me in hopes that my vulnerability connects us in a way that brings strength and encouragement to those of you who may share similar experiences of domestic abuse.
These words were thrown at me like daggers as I stood in our driveway watching the girls ride their bikes up and down the street. There is no worse feeling than plastering a fake smile on your face as your children call out, “mommy, watch this.”
But on that evening, I pulled out that fake smile and placed it squarely on my lips as I waved back at them. I remember thinking, “girls, please, don’t look too closely in my eyes because I don’t want you to see the pain of my battle as I try to hold off the floodgate of tears that desperately want to fall.”
How ironic to tell you that those words that were delivered with such venom and hatred would be the very words that would lead me to my deliverance. I’ll explain.
Months prior to that particular evening, I had spent nearly everyday with the Lord pleading for His guidance. My marriage knew no other existence besides a prison that I single-handedly walked myself into at 19 years old. I took my vows seriously. However, my greatest fear was the heavy disappointment God might feel towards me if I couldn’t dig deep enough and find the inner fortitude to make my toxic and abusive marriage work.
My prayer time took place in the fields near my home, and with tear-filled eyes, I would plead outloud, “Jesus, please, just hold my hand. If I know You are walking with me, then I’ll surely be okay.” I realize how crazy this sounds, but sometimes I truly thought I could feel Him slip His hand into mine, and He would walk with me in those fields.
Why would I tell you that? Well, the evening I was brutally told I had an anger problem, I remember thinking, “you are so right; I am angry!” The very next day, I made an appointment with the marriage counselor who had been seeing us regularly, (both together, and him separately).
The counselor who had been involved in helping navigate the state of my 20+ year marriage, was in fact a Godly Italian man, with a very strong Italian accent. I came into his office thinking I was going to be encouraged to “stay in the fight,” but I was shocked when he said, “Jennie, sit down. The Lord has a word He wants me to share with you.”
Obviously, I sat down not knowing what to expect. And then, the most beautiful words were spoken over me with the sound of the most melodic accent. “Jennie, the Lord wants me to tell you these very words: He has you by the hand, and He is going to lead you out.”
I don’t know if I can find the right words to convey to you how I felt in that very moment. I was shocked because I hadn’t told anyone of my desperate prayer request, and I was humbled to the ground because my sweet friend, who happened to hold the title of, “the Son of the Most High God,” had complete mercy and compassion on my spirit.
To wrap this writing up, if we share a similar storyline, then you do not walk alone. We can choose to mask our shame in secrecy because we’re afraid of appearing weak. But, when we find the courage to set our stories free, the most remarkable transformation occurs-we find our strength!
As I close and get ready to post this vulnerable part of my own storyline to social media for people to read, ignore, relate, or dismiss, may I leave you with one final thought (without the Italian accent)?
If you are desperate for your own deliverance, then I encourage you to find your version of a prayer field, and ask a sweet friend of mine, named Jesus, to hold your hand. He will indeed slip His hand into yours, and I hope you can almost feel His hand, as I did, when we walked in the fields together near my home. I have no doubt in His faithfulness because my life is living proof of something beautiful made from ashes. My prayer for you is simple and gently spoken over; that He will hold you by the hand, and lead you out.
~Jenn
Hi, I’m Jenn Hutcherson. I work with women who struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, mild depression, and emotional related issues. I received my ACC certification in 2021 from Symbiosis Coaching Institute accredited through The International Coaching Federation. I am certified as a Mental and Emotional Resilience Coach through Mental Resilience Academy, and I’m currently working toward a 2nd Master of Science degree in Counseling at OSU-Tulsa. I attended Oklahoma Wesleyan University and received a Master of Science degree in Strategic Leadership in 2018. My certifications allow me to work with clients who are looking for their path towards self-discovery, mental and emotional health, and those who want to establish resiliency in their life and relationships.
If I can walk with you, it would be my honor. You can call for a free consultation: 918.214.8109 or send an email to schedule a time for us to talk. My email is: ahutchbetterlife@aol.com